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asked on 1/8/2010 9:10:40 AM Report this post
I am fairly new to this site. I have only been charting since December 20 but have been trying to get pg since October.

OK... here it goes...

My fiance and I have been together three years. I new just a few months after meeting him I wanted to marry him and have a brown eyed baby (I have blue green eyes and he has beautiful brown eyes). Things started off rocky and we have broken up several times over the past three but we always get back together. Neither of us can seem to stay away from each other.

Over the summer we were broken up for 2 months (our longest break) we got back together at the beginning of August and things were going great. We started planning on moving in together and did so at the beginning of October.

Anyways while we were apart we both dated other people and both of us slept with other people. I had been on bc on and off for about 3 years. I had stopped taking it last March because we were gonna start trying in June/July but we broke up the beginning of June. So I immediately went back on it. However, it seems he wasn't as careful as I had been. Two days before we are to sign the lease on our townhome he tells me that this girl he went out with 3x is pregnant and due in April. The timing is right in line for when we were apart. Needless to say I was devastated. 1 because this is going to be his first and 2 it was supposed to be me. He new how badly I wanted to have a baby and he was always so careful with me but yet so reckless with a stranger?

When she first told him it was right as we were getting back together and he said he didn't know how to tell me and that is why he waited so long to tell me. I was ready to walk but then what kind of person would that make me? I have kids (3) from a previous marriage.

At first she told him she was going to terminate it but then a few days later she told she was going to keep it. He told her that was her choice but he didn't want to be involved in the pregnancy because he didn't have feelings for her that way and this is not what he wanted to happen. He said he was drunk and she never asked him about condoms or bc. I blame them both for being so immature and reckless in this situation.

I just don't understand because she already has a son from someone she wasn't in a relationship with and this man doesn't have much to do with him. Why on earth would an educated 30 yr old want to have 2 kids, never married, with men she doesn't know? She has not contacted him since she told at the beginning of August other than to ask him his mailing address in September.

So we started trying in October right after we moved in together. He said this pg wasn't going to change any of the plans we had made together. We are getting married 02.13.10.

With all of this being said I want so badly to be pg right now. I have wanted this for nearly 3 years with him and have wanted to do everything the right way. Now part of me is kicking myself for just not getting pg. Each month that I get my visit from AF she just keeps getting more pg or is she? Maybe she was just some crazy girl? I dunno?

I dunno what I am supposed to feel about this baby? If there is a baby? I have been pg 7x and never had a problem getting pg (had a few mc between baby #1 and #2). I don't know what is taking so long?? She is only 30 and I'm 38 (fiance 35).

I just don't know what to feel... thanks for letting me vent. I really don't have anyone to talk to. I am not close with my parents or my sister. Most of the time it's just me and him and he's like the CIA and doesn't say a whole lot about how he feels. He cried and cried the night he told me.... me and his mom are the only 2 people he has told about this. He's ashamed and embarrassed. I am trying to be supportive and the first 2 months we were here we really really hard. I am jealous and I keep thinking how she is going to be in our lives for the next 18 years. I know the issues I have with my ex and my boys and just not looking forward to the additional drama in our life....

I would appreciate any advise and support.....

Thanks so much girls!
Sticky Dust and lots and lots of baby dust!

jessg282 said on 1/8/2010 9:44:46 AM Report this post
Well, I think you are very strong person for accepting him back into your life after him telling you that there may be a girl out there pregnant with his child. I was never in a similar situation but I do have a story a bit similar to yours. My boyfriend (now my husband) and I broke up back in 2005 after being together for almost 3 years. During the 10 months we were broken up, he told me he had been with only 1 other person sexually which was his gf he had 3 months after we broke up. When we got back together, I asked him if there was anyone else he had been with sexually and he said no, and I believed him. Only after he found out he contracted a STD did he tell me he had a one night stand with some random girl from the bar. I was devastated. But, I loved him enough to forgive him and we moved on. However, I will never forget. And I believe that 10 months apart has really affected the way I think of him. Now, if he had gotten this girl pregnant, I can honestly say that I wouldn't have stayed with him, but I think a big part of that was the fact that he lied. I don't think I read anywhere in your post that your fiancee was ever dishonest with you, which is definitely a plus. I have a friend that just got married last october. He met his wife a month after he has slept with the mother of his child. Granted, the mother of his daughter is a big "you know what" and she had 3 potential fathers that she tested when the baby was born. But his now wife stayed with him throughout the ordeal and even after they found out he was the father. And he is a very good person. So, after this long post lol I can only say that it will be difficult but if you really love this man and he has never been dishonest with you, then you will get through it together. And it is perfectly normal to feel jealous, but just remember that you are the woman in his life that matters and when/if this baby is born, you should both welcome him/her into your lives (if the mother will allow hopefully) because he/she didn't have a choice in the matter. I know, easier said than done. But you sound like a very intelligent person with a good heart. I wish all the best for you and your fiancee. Let us know how things go!

beantrying said on 1/8/2010 9:59:48 AM Report this post
I don't have much advice to give not having been through this but I think jesseg282 above has said it right. You sound inteligent and strong and you will get through this. Try and remember the baby is an inocent in this and that he/she is a part of your soon to be DH. As for the jealousy that will come and go, it's totally normal that you would feel that way. Especially since you are ttc now and it hasn't happened yet. I am 38 as well and have one child from a previous relationship. I to thought this would happen much faster and easier than it has. But I keep trying and stay confident that it will happen for me soon. I'm sure it will happen for you to. You have alot of stress and mixed emotions right now that could be contributing to the hold up. Do your best to deal with your stress in a positive way, keep talking it out and don't let it eat you up, or interfere with the ttc process. Easier said than done I'm sure. I wish I had some great words of wisdome to offer but all I have is a patient ear (or eyes to read lol..) We are all here to offer support.

I wish you luck and much baby dust.

sturner1026 said on 1/8/2010 10:03:24 AM Report this post
Thank you jessg282!!

He is a good person with a good heart :-)

If there is in fact a baby and he is the father he said he does want to be involved in the child's life. He said he can't imagine being a child and not ever knowing your father no matter how it was conceived.

I am struggling. I have started going back to church and keep praying for god's grace, strength, and the ability to love this child and have it be a part of our lives. I too am like you I can forgive but will never forget... I wish I could forget!!

The break up was very difficult for me. I didn't want to be apart- that was all him. I am not the easiest person to love that is for sure without going into very much details... I have issues with depression and anxiety and have no self esteem.

beantrying said on 1/8/2010 10:19:20 AM Report this post
Just read your latest post and have to comment again. I to have issues with depression and anxiety as well as self esteem and I have been cheated on in the past. My current DP has never cheated but did go through a period of time where he had strong feelings for another woman and was confiding in her and keeping the relationship (such as it was) a secret, we also sepeated briefly because of this. I know how you feel the constant wondering and the constant blame you put on yourself. It is a long road for sure and to forgive is one thing to forget is a much different beast alltogether. But for yourself and for the baby you want to concieve you have to find a way to be ok with things. I know that sounds impossible but maybe with some therapy or a talk with your church leader (don't know what church you go to) It's hard to love ourselves but it's worth it to keep trying. I still have very low self esteem but have over the years slowly been able to give my self credit for my strength and wisdom in many areas. I know I may be difficult to live with and that my emotions run my life alot of the time, but I know I'm worth it, I am more than just my issues I am a whole person. Which means excepting my flaws and loving the rest of me.

Stay strong and give yourself a break, you were not the only reason for the break up or for his indiscrection. There are always many factors playing a role in these things, like his sense of self. It takes two to make things work, don't put all the blame on yourself. He is with you now and wants to marry you because he loves you for you. There is no tougher critic in our lives than ourselves.

Good luck on this journey it will be a tough one but from what I have read you sound like you are stronger than you give yourself credit for and I think you will make it. Thinking of you.

Cinnamon said on 1/8/2010 11:37:42 AM Report this post
I am sorry you are having a hard time with things. Guys think below the belt more often that above, I think. I do commend him for wanting to be involved with his child's life. As a child without my father in my life, I did just fine (and he wan't that great of a person), but the more people to love and care for a child the better. While you'll probably always feel negative towards her, hopefully you'll be able to see the child as an extension of him, and it won't be too hard.

Age is a factor in fertility, so it may take longer now than with your previous children, but careful charting, bding at the right times, and an assesment by your doctor will all be important steps to achieving your goal.

As for your confidence and self-esteem, your church can be a great support system, but also think about speaking with a professional, particularly if you have or are facing depression and have a stressful year ahead with planning a wedding. This is the start of a new year, so take a deep breath and be proactive. You CAN do it, and you want to be a happy confidant mother to your children - current and future. GOOD LUCK!

sturner1026 said on 1/8/2010 12:07:39 PM Report this post
Thanks so much Cinnamon and Beantrying!

It helps to have someone just to listen to me... :-)

Starr2982 said on 1/11/2010 9:46:58 AM Report this post
Sturner -- I'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time. I know what its like to have a broken heart, and unfortunately its the worst feeling in the world. I wish there was some kind of answer to help you out but there is not. I don't know how to get through something like that; me and my boyfriend broke up before but neither of us slept with anyone else. In fact, I actually cheated on him with my ex husband when we first got together (looooong story!!!). Thankfully, we are good today, but I do remember when I was so heart broken at the thought of not being with him. :( I was VERY depressed, and couldn't do anything. I hated everytyhing and just wanted to crawl into a hole. Just remember, even though you said you're not easy to be with -- no one is! I fuss so much at my boyfriend, it creates a lot of stress. But we are women, that's what we do! I hope that you find something to keep you busy during this time to take your mind off the sadness. Like I said, I dont really have any advice -- because there is none in this situation -- but I can offer support and tell you that I hope so much that you get through this ok.... XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO, Jenn

Starr2982 said on 1/11/2010 9:53:05 AM Report this post
You know what....? After reading it through again, I saw some things that I think I can offer a little advice for.

I have been in weird love triangles before... Me, my current bf, and my ex husband. I cheated on both of them with the other (like I said, looooong story!). I thought that Jason (my bf) would never get over it and we were destined to break up because of it. But that was almost 2 years ago now, and he has forgiven me. It still hurts, but he still loves me. All I can say is that people make mistakes, and its hard to deal with them, but after a while, these bad things don't hurt so much anymore.

So are you guys staying together or are you guys broken up? I guess I am a little confused... Take care and hope you feel better!! *HUGS*

sturner1026 said on 1/11/2010 5:52:15 PM Report this post
Thanks Jenn!!

We are' still together. We got back together right around the time he found out she was pg. I think it is odd we haven't heard from her. My psycho crazy self wouldn't be able to just let the father of my baby alone???... anyways we are planning to get married February 13!! It is just hard for me cuz I've known for so long I wanted to have a baby with him. Each month it gets harder and harder.

I too cheated on him in the beginning of our relationship with my ex-husband :-( Like you a very long story....

He has since forgiven me and I built the trust back with him. I love him and can't imagine not being with him I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this baby. My kids were conceived long long before he was ever in the picture.

So depressed... POAS a bit ago and another BFN!!

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