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babydustglitter asked on 12/8/2008 12:00:45 PM Report this post
I read your post & I feel like at my breaking point too. I thought I was going to have a break down last night just like you said. Thankfully it passed as a panic attack. I got sick to my stomach. My DH's fam is feuding and I am sick of it. I have my own stress darn it! I don't need theirs!!! So I know, in my own way, what you are going thru. It is easier to talk to people on here than to those fam who are the problem. If I talk to them, words are twisted and BIGGER problem. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I think a lot of people are having rough go right now with the economy and holidays coming... I just PRAY. All I can do.

Mara04 said on 12/8/2008 8:03:06 PM Report this post
I got sick yesterday as well after it was over. Brekain points for me are not good because I'm bi-polar and I go into a very scary state. I was screaming and crying and thrpwing things. Most of which I thankfully don't remember. It was only my husband and me home. Though since that I've been sick and cramping and though my husband urges me to go the the hospital I can't. My SIL is ther ein labor and I just no my fmaily would get on me about "needing attention" so I'm refusing. I tried to go se emy Dr today but he was very backed up. I was having spotting very light pink and they said it was fine as long as it stopped. So I'll keep my appointment next week. I think my stress is just catching up with me. I can't sleep, I can't eat my job has gone to shit, I hate it and would love to quit. But of course thast not reasonable. I'm tired of peopel saying to me well your pregnant you are going to be tired. This isn't right dammit I'm not just tired because of that that hasn't even entered into it! I'm tired because I stare at the wall til 5 am when I finally fall asleep just to wake up at 7 am. Money in my house right now is a huge thing. We need it and don't have it. I was told by my Dr last month to go on some bedrest, not total, just a few hours everyday because I was getting stressed. I told him I would instead I went right to work and asked for more hours. I laugh when I say that because it's stubborn like me, but I needed it. I was only able to pick up an extra 4 hours a week but when you only work 3 hours a day it helps alot. I make $130 a week and i've so far single handedly bought christmas gifts for 6 people. Meaning anything I was trying to save for things this baby needed got spent. I just kept saying christmas is in two weeks, this baby will be in 12. I have time. But I never seem to have the time. I'm finding myself apologizing for everythign I do or say and god I'm sick of it. I feel liek saying the hell with all of you! (my family) but of course I wouldn't cause then they would get pissed with me. I told my mom today I should never have told her I was pregnant because it seems like all I did was add to the crap and she thinks I only got pregnant because my SIL was pregnant. When she told us she was pregnant she was 4 months, I was 1. I didn't know just yet and she kept quiet. That probably all seemed like a big whine fest and I hate to complaing because all aside I'm very lucky to even have a job this year right? lots of peopel don'tm, and I should be very lucky to be pregnant as well, we tried so hard. But I do feel better for saying that, even if someone tells e to stuff it fine go ahead but it's out and I have a massive headache for getitng it all out. My hands almost oculdn't keep up on the keyboard. I'm trying so hard to be positive but something the life sucks attitude sneaks up on me. I'm terrified if I talk to someone about how I feel I'll get meds pushed on me and the last time I had a breakdown like that I ended up in a hospital for a mandatory 72 hours. I'm not doing that again. I'm not a danger to me or anythig else, I'm just tired, worn out sad and feel defeated. I appreciate you telling me I'm not alone cause I do feel that way almost everyday. No one in my fmaily knows whats its like to hit rock bottom, emotionally and serioulsy see no way out of it short of a miracle. I'm always here to talk to though. I very rarely hold anythign back despite how popel may see me as crazy, insane or an unfit mother. I don't care. I love all the women in here like best friends and I've never had that before. *HUGS*

potbelly said on 12/9/2008 12:45:31 PM Report this post
Mara, your message just broke my heart. I have no advice for you but thank you for sharing all your raw emotions with us. Life can be really crappy sometimes, can't it? But then something great happens -- a happy, healthy pregnancy or a surprise phonecall or some good karma -- and it does make it worthwhile. Just try to remember those moments in the midst of all the dark and gloom.

said on 12/10/2008 12:42:38 AM Report this post
I know a lot of people who swear they are going crazy or having a break down right now. It makes me feel better in a way as I know I am not alone. Does that even make sense? I don't want to say I am glad anyone is having crap like I am, but at least we have each other to lean on. That's what I mean. It is nice to not have to go through it alone. And I think it is beneficial to vent. Therapists get paid to do it! I mean, no one is happy all the time except on bad sitcom reruns!!! All I can do is pray. I walk around at home praying and good thing alone or people would think I was talking to myself. I used to hate my job and one day I just quit. I walked out. It wasn't practical, but I did it and have been at least happier job wise ever since!!! I am not saying to quit tomorrow, but maybe you could. Ever see Office Space where he just stops working when he goes in to the office?! I have had anxiety my whole "adult" life due to PMDD. I started AF when not even 10. And had severe PMDD. My herbals have helped some what, but not totally. But I sometimes have felt so alone. I have a huge family, so that may seem odd. But true. A good friend once said to me, "Can you do anything about it (meaning anything in life out of my control)?" I said, "No..." And he said, "So you need to learn to say %#@! it and move on!" It isn't ignoring life. It is ignoring what is not important and only paying attention to what matters. Family is so irritating some times. I swear what you were sayign about you SIL and mom sounds like something I could see happening with my DH's family!!! You got pregnant as God blessed you. For someone to say it was to spite your SIL or whatever is crap and makes me so mad for you!!! I know you are not a danger. I know I am not either. But I know I am angry right now over a lot of things in life and frustrated too. We put so much pressure on ourselves! I think my cycle was so long and AF delayed due to stress like THAT is gonna help me get pregnant! So I then I stress about that! And then people tell me to not stress and then I stress about what they think about me and then I tell myself to try to not care what other's think. Circle! I think many people go through this but instead of talking about it they keep it bottled up. I really do.

babydustglitter said on 12/10/2008 12:44:08 AM Report this post
Man, just got logged out...that was me... YES IT IS 143AM and I AM STILL AWAKE!!!

Mara04 said on 12/10/2008 12:14:39 PM Report this post
LOL Thanks for sharing that. I have thought of just saying the hell with hit and leave my job, but I refuse to leave those kids in the hands of who is left to care for them. The want me and most of them won't stay if I'm not there. My job isn't bad it's just that suddenly I've been repalced by someone with a college degree who does the same crap I do but knows nothing about the kids individually nor does she seem to care. I went form making all the choices and running thigns to being replaces and following orders. Made me doubt my job skills if they could so easily take it away. I work in a health club and they have been hiring all these ripped muscular fit people and of course not being a thin person to start with I felt too fat to be there. It's evenw orse when you walk in there at 6 months pregnant and you have sleek sexy shiny people. You just want stick out your belly and say hey pal! This is your future! lol honestly, I don't care what having kids does to my body as long as I have my kids and i'm happy. But I don't want it to cost me a job either. So I've been cutting back on my eating and calorie intake, within reason, so that I've only gained 4 pounds in 6 months. With my son I'd gained 25 by now. No one I talk to u nderstands me when I talk about my job because no one I know has ever been as passionate about a job. I don't blame them for it it just makes it hard to talk about it. I refuse to do a job I don't love because then I'll only do it halfassed. If I do it at all. Thats just the way I am. If I can't care about it it's not worth doing. I some days can't even believe I managed to get pregnant because I was stressed beforehand as well. Most of it got worse afterwards though. Weeks after I got my BFP we lost our house. Who needs that?! Thankfully, as usual, my mom came to my rescue. I'm furious with my stupid parents right now but still, they have pulled me out of many a dark hole when I was unable to crawl out myself. Hence why I'm afriad to talkj to her about this. I'm not going back on meds and I'm not going back to the hospital. I'm not sick. I'm just tired and stressed out and I handle it much worse than most people. Partly because I don't handle it at all. I let it go til it blows up. I'm stubborn and won't ask for help lol I just figure right now that I don't need to add to their stress. My SIL is about to have a baby, they may induce her tomorrow and a few days ago my brother flipped my moms truck and could have died. They don't need my crap ontop of that. I'm old enbough to be able to deal with this on my own which is why it's so nice to be on here talking because then I'm not truly alone. I have to deal with it myself and fix it myself but I don't have to do it without adive and support, so I appreaciate that. And I think after the holidays, all of us will bounce back and be happy and positive. I really hope so anyways cause the negativity is killin me lol

Nikki1982 said on 12/10/2008 12:27:28 PM Report this post
mara- I love my job and know what you mean. I do not work with kids, so I dont get that 'meaningful' feeling, but I do get chewed out when I say I plan to go back to work full time after the baby is born. I am not against people who want to be a SAHM, I think it is great, but that is not me. I think that you need to do what makes you happy. that is always easier said than done.

as for the meds and everything, I want to say that you need to do what is best for you. If being on meds helps you, but turns you into a zombie, then my personal opinion is to get on them. maybe you can set up an appt to talk with a counselor or therapist, but not someone who can prescribe meds, that way they will not force things on you. We are always here for you, but our advice may not always be the best.

Just in 'talking' to you, I dont think you need to be on meds ;) you just need a shoulder to cry on and face to smash in (maybe shea will loan you her DH...lol, and I use the letter D sparingly)

sheababy44 said on 12/10/2008 12:50:39 PM Report this post
Hell yea MARA you can use my husband to beat on. His a little squishy so the punches might sink in. LOL i am so mean, but i don't care right now. He is being a huge BUTT.

As for meds, my bff's DH is bipolar. He hated taking meds. He was on a bunch of different ones til he found the right ones for him. And i have to say he is so much better right now. I have been there when he has gone into a phase and it is really hard to watch and deal with. My bff has almost left him on several occasions because of his bipolar. He suffers the most with the anxiety part of it. He has been hospitalized many times. FOr long visits. I think he has a much worse case of it then you. But i really don't knock the meds but i understand not wanting to take them.

I am here for you, i too have been on meds for anxiety attacks and severe depression. So i can understand whats going on. I love that you share it with us. That takes a strong woman. LOVE YOU MARA *hugs*

Mara04 said on 12/10/2008 1:27:23 PM Report this post
My hubby lets me throw thigns ta him and say some awful things cause then he hugs me and says I love you anyways. He knows most of the time I'm full of hot air. I just need to say the most vile things and then I feel better. Diarreah of the mouth I guess lol I think it's one of the things that makes hubby and I the perfect pair because I can be volatile and he is very calm and laid back. I show too much emotion and he doesn't show enough. We are the perfect balance. Our last fight yesterday was too funny I can't remember what he did but I was like "incompetant jerk" and he goes "High Maintence Cow" and it was over lol I never laughed so hard actually lol

I have been on the meds and when I got off them I realized how much better I felt. So I realized that those meds were keeping me sicker not helping me get better. I was probably being treated for the wrong things but being off the meds made me have to deal with things myself not in some drug induced harmony. Apparenlty a dose of cold hard reality will fix even a chemical imbalance lol I suffer form wicked anxiety attacks and it was so funny because I take xanax and my Dr said that it was such a low dose it probaly wouldn't hurt the baby so I continued taking 0.5 mgs a day. Then, I had an anxietyy attack about what it was fdoing to my baby lol Odd isnb't it? I figured if I was this relaxed and mellow my poor baby must be high as a freakin kite. So I stopped taking it. So I throw up more but I'm good. I realized that I'm not as jumpy over things as I used to. Sure it's a clutch but some days I feel better just knowing in this little jeweleld case in my purse, is a tiny pill that can instantly make a bad situation bearable. Just that knowledge makes thigns ok. I'm an escapist, if I sense the tickling fear, I need to get out of where I am. As long as I can calmy say I'm going to the bathroom and get out, lifes a peach.

I don't judge you for being a working mom. I couldn't wait to be a stay at home mom with Connor but with this baby....again those kids need me there and WANT me there. So I may go back earlier than needed. Because I still want my money I'm owed for time off, I may only volunteer to be there. But I can take my kids and take the baby at 6 weeks old so it's not a problem. Plus, I plan to work up til the moment labor starts. I wasn't going to but lets face it, sitting at home all day with a 3 year old waiting for labor to get going? Uh no, I'll go nuts. I need something to do. I only work 3 hours a day, so it's not like a huge chunk of time and lately at work, I'm sitting down in one spot all day the kids come to me lol I actually had a single dad hit on me today lol I wore actualy clothes not sweats to work today and they showcase my belly better, it reminded me of Allan off two and a half men when he was gaga over Bertas pregnant daughter lol This guy was liek that lol Though I didn't fart infront of him lol I held it til he was gone lol

Honestly, I'm in such a better mood, everything is funny today and I'm smiling so much mor4e nad it's funny cause the sun is out today, hasn't been in DAYS! So maybe that was a bit of my problem too. My mom swears I had Seasonal Affective Disorder. She encouraged me to go tanning last year and i perked right up. Too bad I can't go now cause I need it I'm so pale lol I'm so glad you girls are here for me and for everyone else cause half the time I expect tog et a message that says somethign suck it up and quit being a whiner. I refuse to go back ont he excuse that I'm tired and emotional cause I'm pregnant, I'm sorry but millions ofpregnant women handle more than one kids while pregnant and full time jobs, I've got it pretty easy and I'm going to barrell my way through anything. That hard head I have works great as a battering ram lol So if I'm whining, I'm not feeling sorry for myself but I am so glad to have someone to talk to. And if th ings get really bad, I'll be needing your husbands number Shea lol you know whats funny? I'm thinking I like the name Shea for my baby lol

sheababy44 said on 12/10/2008 1:43:01 PM Report this post
LOL Really. You say it like Shay. I love my name. And it is very rare. Thats why I like it so much. I totally understand getting off the pills. They weren't for you. And i agree with the big dose of reality is the best medicine. But for some that just makes it worse. I am glad that you are handling it on your own. But hey everybody has there bad days. So are you and me and everyone else here. We need our bad days or we wouldn't be normal. We need to tap into all of our emotions. Keeps us balanced. I might have just pulled that out of my butt, but it sounds good. LOL! As for your hubby calling you a "high maintenance cow" was a bit funny. I will have to walk around with a name tag with that on it. Or go make a t-shirt made.

Mara04 said on 12/10/2008 1:48:54 PM Report this post
One of those Hi My Name Is.... tags lol I think after this baby is born, I'm going tot ake up kick boxing as a way to relieve stress lol I just came to the conclusion that when I was working out really hard 3-4 days a week I was much happier. I've had to take it back cause of the pregnancy, aga9inst my will but I listened to my Dr this time. But I'm much crankier now for some reason. Probably cause that was my outlet and I'm not using it right now. God I'm too tired to even think of it some days lol Today is a good day though now, my son is banging on his drum making up songs to make me laugh lol He knows my buttons and what things he can do to make me giggle lol He's my angle I swear. Now if he would only nap, this day would be gravy lol

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