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Jouett asked on 2/21/2009 10:39:25 PM Report this post
hi guys im sorry its been awhile since ive been on but my DH is usually the one on the computer. i get it when he is at work or goes out with his friends. ok anyways i was wandering if anybody else out there is bipolar and either ttc or is preggo, and how are you doing it?? can you give me any tips or good coping skills???

Mara04 said on 2/21/2009 11:09:18 PM Report this post
Wow there are more of us? LOL When I first read the headline i'm like oh god, what did someone say about me?! lol I was diagnosed bi-polar when I was 4 months pregnant with my son. It was absolute hell. I didn't have a very good Dr or very good medications. But I had support group. This pregnancy I did with no medications in my system, no councelling, all me. And I feel much better for it. The best thing I can offer is if you are on medications, the baby WILL take half and leave you to go through withdrawl. Thats what happened to me and I had an episode that put me in the hospital. Witht he advice of your Dr either increase your meds when pregnant, or if you arent pregnant yet but know you will be, taper off them very slowly so when you do get pregnant you won't have that to worry about. Also, learn to regocnize the syptoms. Cause they are going to be different when you are pregnant. I relied alot of my fmaily to see a meltdown coming and help to steer it away. I chose about a year and a half ago to go without meds because honestly, on them I felt sicker. Since I've been off I feel like I am experiencing everything like a normal person, not like on the meds where you have no highs or lows. I feel better about myself knowing I can get trhough my daily routine as ME. I know that there are degrees of bi-polar, and I'm classified as pretty bad, and i'm open to talking baout it if you are so if you have any questions feel free to ask!

Jouett said on 2/21/2009 11:18:14 PM Report this post
omg im soo happy theres more of us! ok well i dont want to take myself off my meds just yet cuz im still on my 2ww and i dont want to have another episode, but i dont want to be on the meds when i get preggo cuz it will cause problems for the baby. im almost positive that i can handle it knowing there is alittle person growing in me. but i also know its going to be hell! i found out i was bipolar about 2 years ago...i tried to commit suicide twice...and im a cutter well i used to be i havent cut since august!!

Mara04 said on 2/22/2009 10:16:49 AM Report this post
I was one as well. It's been, hmm, 5 years maybe? Long time. It helps when you have kids and have to put all the sharp object away lol sorry bad joke lol I do that lol I tried when I was 17 and then 18 to end my life, things were actually very bad not just perceived and my dr's thought I was just depressed and put me on Paxil. UGH. I hated paxil. It took them 4 m ore years to finally figure out I was bi-polar. Thats was so very sad. I hope that you are right and you can handle it pregnant. I had my breakdown at 4 months pregnant because it finally all h it me at once I was a wife and soon to be mother. I don't take things as they come and process them well, so when I found out I was pregnant a week befor emy wedding, I didn't sort through my emotions on each thing I just sailed through it telling everyone I was happy. Then the weight of it hit me 2 months after the wedding. I started acting really weird and got distant and wouldn't talk to people. My mom actually thought I'd stopped my meds, she didn't realize they'd stopped working cause there wasn't enough. And I refused to talk to anyone about it. I started tolsoe weight really fast, in those two months I was down 30 pounds. And though I know something happened, I honestly don't remember it but I woke up in the hospital. I wasn't like, strapped down or locked up or anythign but I was really weak. I ended up having to stay for 72 hours until my meds were stablized and I'd had two councelling sessions. It got easier once I talked trhough getting married and then talked through being pregnant and beiong a mother. Once I separated those two issues and internalized them, things were so much better. I only start to have them when I don't get much sleep and the first hign that goes is I don't eat. Refuse to. So people know something happeingin and my mom usually intervenes. She should go into psychology, she's amazing lol Thats when I'm about to have a low, when I'm going to have a high, apparently I don't make much sense when I talk, you can tell my minds racing and I start to clean rather frantically, and I will be at a weird speed darting form room to room never actually acomplishing anything. My mind races so much I actually have a hard time remembering those ones. I really think it's been over a year since thats happened. Also because of this I suffer really bad panic attacks, they are actually worse than the entired disease. They stop me form doing so many things i want and going places I'd love to go. Let me know how thigns go for you in your 2WW. I'm always here to talk.

Jouett said on 2/23/2009 9:35:18 AM Report this post
omg! we are very alike! i had been cutting since i was around 8. nobody knew until about 2 years ago. i tried it infront of my husband twice. he was the first to know. after i got out of the mental hospital they put me in a program at a mental health place and put me on 3 different meds...yes paxil being one of them. it sucked! what i was on wasnt working and i couldnt afford them at first. so they tried different meds on me and they didnt work just made things worst then we finally found a good workin one lamictal and im also on vistaril...what are you on if your on anything...oh and it wasnt a bad joke hehe it was kinda cute. ive gotten over all that crap i said i was going to stop and thats exactly what im going to do. i have to ask what made you stop cutting?? my DH told me if i didnt stop he was going to leave and take jonathon (my 9 year old step son at the time was 8) with him and i would never see them again...so i said ok im done and havent cut since! of course there are times when i want to but i just go clean. ive noticed when i get upset all i want to do is clean well its a hell of alot better then what i used to do! oh im sorry if im coming off to strong its just i dont have anybody to talk to about this. the only other person i have to talk to has it worst then i do shes has mulit personalities that come out cuz of certain triggers...thankfully i havnt seen any of them hehe oh and the fact that she works graveyard as a nurse so i never get to see her. im not sure if you said it before but are you preggo or ttc or just here for support. i remember reading you have a son...how old is he?? oh my 2ww is hell im trying not to think of it so much cuz im barely on 3DPO but im already having sharp pains close to my lower abs...its crazy i think im making to much out of it cuz this is the second time ive posted something about this stupid pain hehe what do you think oh and how old are you im 21 and my name is desarae you can call me des for short cuz my name is spelled retarded hehe

Mara04 said on 2/23/2009 11:21:39 AM Report this post
I stopped because I started to feel normal again mostly. I mean, I cut because I couldn't seem to feel anymore so if you feel pain you are still alive right? When I met my husband it all changed for me. Then a few years later I realized, my son doesn't deserve a mom who is "screwed up" I mean he didn't ask for me right? I was on paxil for almost 7 years, and oh my lord did it make me fat lol I hated the weight gain I had with it. Plus because I was on it while pregnant it was impossible to lose that weight as well. When my son was about a year old I finally told my Dr I feel like hell things aren't going any better i think I need my meds changed. So he put me on Effexor. That was actually incredible. I started to feel really good and started losing weight, roughly 20 pounds w hich was ok for me. Then I got really sick and my kidneys weren't doing so well and I ended up in the hospital and when they did some blood work it came back that my liver was failing. Well apparently in like 1 in a million people sometimes Effexor can damage your liver. So I got off it ASAP. Thankfully it wasn't so bad, our livers are pretty strong and resilient and after the drug was flushed out my liver function came back to almsot full tilt. But since then, I've not taken anything. After being off effexor I started to realize hey, I can livemy life with nothing adns till be normal. Then as the months passed I realized I fetl better on no meds then i did while on them. I have a standing prescription for xanax though because my anxiety attacks can still get the better of me, but I've been off them since I found out I was pregnant and have ben able to function quite well. So maybe I don't need them either.

I feel like you as well, theres not many peopel to talk to. I feel like I have to continuously peel this "crazy" label off my forhead. Well, we're not crazy, we just have a chemical imbalance and we handle life and lifes situations differently. I have a breaking point for stress much sooner than most though I am finding my threshold for that is widening. I hate talking to therapists now because one told me that if I didn't stop acting like a brat this way she would be there the day my son was born and take him. As if I was putting it on for attention! After that I started lying to her telling her htings were fine and when I left the last appointemnt she said there now, isn't it all better when you act proper? WTF? That was 4 years ago almost and I've since heard she was fired LOL I've always felt like a bad mother because of this and her assinine comments didn't make it better.

I do have a son, he will be 3 in April and I'm 8 months pregnant with my second son. And I have to tell you, being pregnant this time with no meds has been sooo much better! At least I know everything I feel is all me not manufactured my a drug. I'll be 26 next monday and my husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. Oh, and my name is Mara. Hopefully your signs are promising and you get your BFP too!!

Jouett said on 2/23/2009 11:40:03 AM Report this post
i know i feel like a bad step mom cuz hes seen me leave in handcuffs cuz of our crazy fights. hes even told me to not hurt myself omg can you imagine how i felt knowing he knows what i do to myself and that he wants me to stop. well if im not on next monday happy birthday!! im usually on on mondays cuz my hubby's at work. we have been married for 2 years this march! ugh i cant wait to find out i hope i am!!! and hopfully with not being on any meds for 9 months i wont need them anymore either! altho thats kinda a stretch...i dont know if im going to take them after its born (haha im talking like im already preggo hehe) or if im going to breast feed first....i know i have plenty of time to think about it! hehe so how has your day been going?? oh about the xanax i cant take them...i took 10 the night i tried to kill myself so know i cant even have my pills at my own house. some guy from the mental health place used to come by my house twice a day to give me my meds cuz they were locked up but he never really worked cuz i wasnt ever home hehe so he gave them to my mom and she now gives them to me...it kinda sucks and its been two years but this is a sure way i get to see her at least once a day! hehe

Jouett said on 2/23/2009 11:40:56 AM Report this post
omg im all over the place in that paragraph! hehe i guess bipolar at its best right hehe

ArmyBoysWife said on 2/23/2009 1:24:10 PM Report this post
im not bi- polar but I do struggle with bad anxiety attacks almost everyday..its awful so i can't even imagine what you ladies are dealing with

Jouett said on 2/23/2009 1:38:37 PM Report this post
i have those too...and panic attacks im just messed up all over!! but im alot better now!! army wife do you take anything for them??

ArmyBoysWife said on 2/23/2009 2:20:32 PM Report this post
no i don't take anything for them. i used to smoke because i refused to believe anything was wrong until my husband started having seizures and i was in the car on my way to the hospital and my neighbor was with me I realized I was having a really bad attack and i couldnt even drive! then i found out i was pregnant and i'm just coping with that.Alot going on and i just don't know where to start

Jouett said on 2/23/2009 2:44:35 PM Report this post
well if you ever want to talk either of you heres my email address....desarae0987@live.com. i dont get on much cuz my hubbys usually on but when i do i will diff. email you guys back!!

said on 2/23/2009 4:52:09 PM Report this post
OK i am not the only crazy out there. In the past 2 years i have been dealing with panic attacks. SO has my daughter. Her story is long and hard. But she is the reason for my anxiety. And the damn IUD i had in just brought it all out. It was one of the freaking side effects. LUCKY ME. I was one zoloft and adivan for about a year. I got the IUD out and went off the meds 3 days later. got pregnant a month later. SO i didn't have to worry about taking them while pregnant. Thank god.

sheababy44 said on 2/23/2009 4:52:52 PM Report this post
THat was me i timed out.

ArmyBoysWife said on 2/23/2009 6:22:26 PM Report this post
oh god not ativan...my husband seizures may be linked to that drug...but then again the army screwed up...anyhoo panic/anxiety attacks after intense research are fairly similar same symptoms and all.its not fun at all i still cant really figure out why i get them because they happen fairly frequent and unrelated. Why did yours start shea and jouett?

Jouett said on 2/23/2009 7:44:57 PM Report this post
no clue sometimes other times its like when my DH and i fight or in crowded places

Jouett said on 2/23/2009 7:45:27 PM Report this post
wow sheababy!!

Mara04 said on 2/23/2009 8:08:48 PM Report this post
Mmmm I ove Ativan lol Thye give me that to go to the dentis lol Going there is the peak of my panic attacks lol I was on Zoloft too but it made me really weird. I was lying in bed one night and my room tilted lol I was on Celexa too, same thing, went really spacey. I'm surprised and actually comforted by the fact that so many people have panic attacks. I felt stupid and sometimes still do for having them. My first response to them is to throw up. And I hate being ill in public. And the rambling oh my god. You can actually see my mind going too fast for my mouth to keep up.

I can't beleive they have to deliver your meds to you. Wow. I'm surprised they didn't do that to me to make sur eI took them lol I had an awful habit of remembering them until I started to get dizzy and it was like opps, forgot two days ina row! lol They even gave me one of those containers that you put your meds in for everyday of the week. Yeah that didn't help lol

my panic attacks atrted when I was almost 17. I have a very prosseive boyfriend and he would get really angry if I didn't callh imw hen I said i would or answer to him in any way he wnated. Things escalated and by the time I was almost 18 I was in a constant state of fear around him. He was not gentle. And me being weak minded at the time thought I needed him despite the emotional abuse he piled on me. Three days before my 18th birthday I had my first episode int he hallway of the school. i went nuts. I just lost it. After that I never went back. They treated me for depression which was weird cause i didn't feel it. Didn't get correctly diagnosed until I was 23. For some reason now, other than the dentist, my panic attacks occur int he car on busy highways. We were in in accident on a busy highway up north just before I foiund out I was pregnant with Connor so maybe thats why. I don't know but i'm usually in the car wh ite knuckled trying not to be sick. For some reasont hough when I'm pregnant, my attacks are better, almsot gone, and it's definitely scarier then driving! lol

Jouett said on 2/24/2009 10:47:49 AM Report this post
wow im kinda surprised too! i kinda get what you mean about having a non gentle man in your life....well hes my hubby and hes your ex...but you know what i mean. ugh i cant think today im sooo angry..oh well anyways....oh depression usually does happen when we dont know it. at least thats what happened to the rest of my family. all the females in our family have similar symptoms...panic attacks anxiety...so far im the only one thats been diagnosed with bipolar...then again im the only one thats tried to kill themselves mulitpul times....oh the containers suck! they didnt help me neither. oh i would notice right away if i missed a dose...i would start freakin out on everybody about little stuff, i would cry for no reasons....it sucked!! hey this is completely off the subject but does anybody have a myspace??

sorry if im alittle hi strung but you all are pretty much the only people i really talk to...most of my friends just kinda stopped talking to me when i did what i did or at least when they found out thats what i did. it was probably the last thing i needed...losing friends but its ok i guess i dont need any....i have you guys!! is that kinda sad...that i dont have anybody to just go to that isnt family....

sorry just alittle depressed today....

Jouett said on 2/24/2009 10:50:08 AM Report this post
ok some of that came out wrong...what i meant to say was.................losing friends but thats ok i guess i dont need THEM..not any...ugh

sheababy44 said on 2/24/2009 11:43:51 AM Report this post
Mara i totally understand being in the car. My daughter is like that. She has an anxiety disorder, OCD, And Agoraphobia. That is when you dont want to leave the house" or safe zone" I get panic attacks in the car too when other people drive. I think it is a control thing. I don't have control of the car. And i have to have control of every thing. And losing that control sets off my anxiety attacks. Going to the dentist is the same thing. You can't see what they are doing. With other doctors you can watch and have some control. At the dentist you don't see anything or have any control. You just have to trust them. And trust is hard.

Jouett said on 2/24/2009 11:51:18 AM Report this post
yes trust is hard

Mara04 said on 2/24/2009 1:02:47 PM Report this post
At the dentist, I hate things in my mouth lol I gag lol I am the same way with driving, I trust my husbands skills for the most part its the other a**hole drivers I don't trust. I siffered really bad for agoraphobia, part of the reason I left school and spent an entire year in my bedroom. No one could hurt me there. I unplugged my phone my computer, everything, I wanted no contact with anyone but my mom. She didn't understand what was happening but she tried. Lord did she try and I think she finally understood a little but not what caused that. Thankfully I got over most of that. Pretty fast actually, at the end of that eyar all of the sudden i applied for a job lol It was so weird but I got it lol It was only 2 hours in the morning in a daycare preparing their snacks and meals and light cleaning duties so I was mostly alone. But I had that job for a year and a half before quitting to take a full time job in a homedaycare actually being with the kids. Thats part of why I loved daycare so much. Those kids don't care if you have trouble being in a busy grocery store, or if being outsomewhere laone makes me sweat and want to be ill. They don't care that I was incapable of having a healthy relationship with anyone. All they cared about is that I was there and wanted to play with them and listen to them. So it was easy to be around them. you don't need a pretense.

Shea how does your daughter manage at school with that? Is it harder for her? It became so much for me I had to leave inmy senior year. I was so close to finishing but I just couldn't do it. Thankfully when I was 21 i went back to an adult learning centre and finished my grade 12 with extra credits for college should I want to go.

Jouett said on 2/24/2009 2:12:52 PM Report this post
wow...you are strong!! so how is it today? many years later how is it to feel "normal" again? i mean do you want to go back to cutting...ever? do you ever have those thoughts? im so sorry if im getting tooo personal just let me know cuz these are just questions i wont mind :)

Jouett said on 2/24/2009 2:18:16 PM Report this post
shea how do you and your daughter do it? i mean look at you you have 3 girls and a boy on the way!! and your not having panic attacks?? what coping skills is everybody using?? i guess i just clean or listen to music...

Mara04 said on 2/24/2009 4:33:47 PM Report this post
Some days I feel....off, and I worry maybe an attack is coming on, but seriously, most days i'm so busy I don't even think about it! I've had days wher emy anger escalates on me, and all I wanna do is smash something but I've learned the restraint and the knowledge that if I sit and breathe deeply it'll pass. I have other people who need me more and need me to be whole, so it kind of takes a back seat. I keep telling myself I have something to prove whether it be to myself or other people and that it's possible to be "ill" if you will, and have kids and a home and a job, I can do it all with this disease. It makes me feel more powerful to msyelf to know that it takes me more to get through each and every day than most people. It gives me a boost of self esteem to know that. Especially when there was a time when I didn't even get up at all let alone get to to total chaos with kids. And I think I'm solucky to be able to have what I do now and I WILL NOT let anythign get in the way of it. No one and nothing not even a chemical imbalance is goign tot ake it away form me. Thats how I cope, I tell myself over and over I know damnw ell I'm stronger than this and I am not going to give it the right to control me anymore. I control my mind nothing else.

Jouett said on 2/24/2009 4:41:07 PM Report this post
i guess its kinda like what happened to me when my DH said he was going to leave me. i just said "im done" and i havent since...i hope to be like you and just be to busy hehe thank you mara!

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